Game of Chess

A tragedy you don't even care about and you promote it like it's your own suffering to celebrate. What is your angle? What will you benefit from? There's no reason for you to be such a manipulating and spineless person anymore. Wouldn't you rather just start fresh. You're public appearance won't save your day to day and most intimate relationships. Congratulations, pawn moved.

Boredom

I lay here in boredom. I agree to change the world around me. I agree to make things happen. I lay here in boredom.

Frankly, sleep is too vivid to desire these days. I dread the upcoming 4 weeks. The intensity of my life will increase, but my body, mind, and soul will not be satisfied.

The life I want is the life I need? Struggle, continuing struggle, with what makes a person happy & healthy. I walk around with knots, daily, in wonderment. Am I doing the right thing? Am I able to be happy here, now, with all of this?

Spoiled, that's how I feel. I never needed much in life. I may have just about everything, yet, I still feel a void, and worse yet I feel a guilt for having that void. Volumes, we speak in volumes.

What is the mission here? What is there to loose? What balance do we consider and is it a reasonable one? Write it down, I tell my self to write it down, because maybe I will move on faster. I've been writing as long as I can remember, but the thoughts just keep coming.

Contemplate everything. Never allow the brain to waste. Pleasuring all your senses with a glance and a brutally sincere reaction.

Profound, no. Boredom, yes. Paint, Photos, thiiiiiings. TRAVEL! Profound is not happening, just boredom, tonight.

New Concept...

So I seem to have ongoing themes in my life. I just posted a comment about expectations that people hold over you, weather you realize it or not, on Facebook. Expectations are a difficult thing to balance in life, especially if you're a dreamer or someone who takes stock in your family and friend's goals.

Either way it has inspired me to do a whole new photo series based on warnings, people, and what would happen if we had just a pinch of information about the people we surround ourselves with. This is a project about preemptive information or maybe not.

Stay tuned for upcoming sneak peeks and more!!!

CONFLICTING...

Also...

All of my conflicting thoughts and aggravated emotions need to LEAVE ME ALONE! I wonder when things will be simplified again. I'm not frustrated I'm just pretty pissed off at my over active mind. I have plenty of outlets to distribute these emotions, but lucky readers you get the blogged version! Enjoy!

P.S. I LOVE YOU.

Greater Things

Dearest Tyler,

One of my closest and dearest friends, you will always find genuine and insane love. You will never go hungry for affection or a companion. You have become strong and willful in your later years, but deep down I know true love, for you, is certainly right around the corner, when you are ready.

We have our own tangled story, but I think about your future with excitement and the things you will accomplish or the people you will allow into your life. Someday I want to sit down over a cup of coffee with your true love and just smile.

I was just walking around my house today and started to think about you and your ability to find amazing, beautiful, talented people. You keep all of these extraordinary people nearby while others ponder in wonderment. You are a pretty lucky dude, but I'm pretty sure luck doesn't have much to do with it.

You have a unique soul that gathers people like a magnet. Thank you for continuing this friendship and I adore what I've fought to keep, and thanks for putting up with me through the process.

This is just to let you know that I know greater things will keep on coming.

Sense of Loss Lingering

My father was a car salesman in Fort Wayne, IN for years. My Dad may have looked like a stereotype of the "movie-like" car salesman at times, but he was honest and personable. He taught me just enough, what I needed to know, about cars. I have an above average understanding of vehicle mechanics and how sales works, but I have to admit that the buying process is extremely difficult.

The number of showroom floors that I grew up on is huge, but none of that could have prepared me for these emotions. I thought buying a car would just be as simple as buying a car should be. I broke down though, two nights ago. I was on the phone speaking with my husband about options and how frustrating this process has been. I felt cornered and then it finally happened, I snapped, I can barely continue the process of shopping without tears welling up in my eyes. The realization slapped me with sorrow, my Dad is supposed to be here to help me with this.

I know it's silly to most people reading this, but cars were a HUGE part of my Dad's life and I never had to worry that I was getting a solid vehicle to drive around because he always held my hand through the experience. I have had friends who have taken over a year to buy a car they really wanted, and now I know why, because doing this on your own SUCKS. Adding to the moment of my epiphany was the overwhelming sensation that he is Stiiiill gone and that it's not okay. Why did it take me almost four weeks to let these emotions out? We all bottle something up, here and there, but it swells and bursts when we do it subconsciously.

Today I made phone calls to more car guys, who all used to work with my Dad, and I had to cut the last conversation short. It's too much to sit and talk with someone about where and when my Dad used to work. I am crying now as I write this. There are just triggers that you are not prepared to face, but you don't have a choice. Something this silly can be paralyzing when combined with grief.

I accept this challenge and I will triumph with happy thoughts of my Dad and what he contributed to the car business, the moral he set in place, and the big middle finger he threw out to anyone who challenged his ethics or morals during his time on the car  lot pavement. So small, so silly, one decision becomes a monumental leap.

Broken into Action

you broke my heart and soul the day you broke his bike and body.

this is an irreparable state. broken hearts can be lived with, but a haunted soul is yet to be decided.

look for signs on the road and scenes yet created. answers in art and desires met.

Bold Daughter Waiting in the Shadows

Forked Tongue and Defined Distance with the Values of a Soldier

Fighting for Moral Ground and Pleasing purely to Please

Watching others Falter and Challenging other's core Meaning

Touching Sensitive Swords and Facing the Obvious

Beyond their Words and Actions towards Mine

Dancing on Thin Ice and Blind Backwards Again

Ready to Roll and Thunder five Feet Ahead

Stung, Stinging

Wrote, Written

Sold, Stolen

Cherished, Lived

War, Over

Edward Beatty

This is the first time I have attempted to speak about my Grandfather, Edward Beatty, since he passed a couple months ago. My Grandpa Ed was a pilot, pianist, writer, and fisherman. I could jump off at many different points about someone so talented, but I would rather touch on what I have seen and personally absorbed.

At the end of my Grandpa Ed's life I know he had two daughters, but somewhere along the line he adopted one too. I can't speak for anyone else, but I know that my Mother, his daughter-in-law, and Grandfather had a special connection that I will never understand in the slightest. In the same unique way as my mother I also had an undefinable relationship with my Grandfather. The relationship between my Mother and Grandfather was that of a father and daughter. My Grandpa Ed and I may not have understood each other's choices through life, and I think we equally disappointed each other at times, but we loved each other deeply.

I remember listening to him play the piano, effortlessly. I remember him taking pride in my interests, they were closely related to his interests, but he still supported them regardless. He had flaws like all of us, but to me he was a great Grandfather.

When I would visit Hamilton Lake in the summer, where my Grandpa Ed lived, he would let me walk up the road to an old barn, where some of his friends lived, and play in the barn with a ton of kittens. Growing up on boats, playing in barns with kittens, fishing, swimming, riding in airplanes, and hearing his laugh are some of the greatest childhood memories a girl could have. The lake was a gathering place too, friends and family would live there or nearby on the weekends. I remember the Fish & Game club too, where we used to do pull tabs, listen to live bands, celebrate the Fourth of July, enjoy traveling circus, themed carnivals, and more piano.

Indiana is about small communities, but my Grandpa was a fixture in each of his. From the world of aviation to the words on printed paper Edward Beatty made his mark in the air above and on the paper we read.

Edward Beatty's work, acknowledgements, awards, and accomplishments don't add up to the value or worth that I have invested into my mind over the last 29 years. The image of my Grandfather will live on through my stories and his. We should all be so lucky.

My head bows to a man, a father, veteran, and patriot citizen of a world that goes by oh so quick.

Untitled Note on the back of an Envelope I found in my Car

If we cut out expectations of others we allow more time for living.

We all make mistakes in this life, some of us leave behind family and community. Sometimes we leave behind our favorite things, like; seeds, motorcycles, writing, memories, photos, and all of this in hopes that it might bring ease or happiness to those we've left behind. 

Death is not our punishment, but a reward after, and hopefully we have lived a well or genuine life.

Today is no different except for a little extra respect for life, love, and true shortness of time.


(written on the back of a DMV envelope in blue sharpie)