(i found this piece of writing tucked in a pocket. i wrote it almost a year ago while working my part time retail gig and i thought i'd share it now.)
"...you know i love my parents, but i keep staring down that road waiting for my chance to run..."
This song filtered through my head as it played from the speakers above me at work today. As the memories flooded I smiled. All the adventures of a teen to all the mistakes as a young adult, and yes there is a difference between a teen & young adult.
It was a 1986, brown, Chevy Blazer, and I loved it as much as anything that can give you unlimited freedom. That Blazer gave me the freedom to become an independent young woman. That old "Beast", as we liked to call it, got me around my old home town for 3 or 4 years. As of today I'm driving a forest green, two door, Ford Explorer.
"...who can wait for heaven? and who has that much time?..."
The song lyrics continue to stir up thoughts and memories.
Seventeen years old with sunlight beaming down on my face, while I drive my friends and I to our favorite summer retreat, Camp Potawotami. We only had a couple of years left to enjoy each other and we all knew we would soon go our separate ways. We never took a second for granted. I remember contemplating during those years about love, heaven, religion, and just enough politics to get me by.
I was obsessed with "love". In college a good friend discovered and introduced me to the theory of Limerence. He and I shared our stories of tortured feelings and long distance lovers. Over a pot of coffee we confided in each other regularly.
Limerence was a subject that aloud the two of us to talk backwards in order to move forwards. So as the subject of teenage years continued in my head, because the song played on, I remember the air of total innocence during high school. However, in college it was about taking risks and putting the puzzle pieces together.
Between the constant pull of "love", production of art, and new people in and out of my life I managed to record past, present, and future linking thoughts into a series of journals. I needed the journals for my forgetful mind and to link all the insanity of time together. I had my fair share of heartache and I have handed out a good amount of it myself. Following your heart isn't always a clean effort, but that is a whole different matter.
(this is where i left off in my scrap paper journal entry, but i will sum it all up for you now)
All of these thoughts, moments of remembering, were brought on by a cheesy, pop-country, song playing at my part time retail job. I left this writing in a pocket, it eventually fell out onto the floor, laid there for a while, and then I said "okay, time to make sense of this moment in time".
In short, I loved my family, friends and home town but I always felt like leaving. No, I didn't really belong there, and I still don't. I love to visit, it's still home, but simplicity and comfort has always scared me. A domestic bliss has set in around me now and although I'm comfortable in my home here I'm not settled, maybe that's what scares me about "growing up".
It all stacks up into a nice pile of my life. These are my cards and this is my deck I'm dealt. I grew up wanting to run, I ran. I grew up questioning virtue and morals, but now I submit those morals with a righteous level of religious understanding. At the end of that song my mind had gone through a hundred memories from the ages 16, 17, 18, & 19. I ran my own show. I still run this show. Maybe it will all be in a song someday, just not a cheesy, pop-country song.
No comments:
Post a Comment