Toll

It's starting to take it's toll. Time away, time apart.

Nights of nightmare, nightmares of nights, and the unreachable collection of lucid understanding.

Never before have I had such control in my waking life. When I go to sleep at night I dream of horrible things. When I wake up in a sweat or in tears I have no one to tell them too. In my dream last night I finally confessed to my best friend, in the dream, that I could not take Mike being away for two weeks or more at a time. In reality, I can handle it, or at least that is what I tell myself.

There is no wavering thought or amount of insecurity in this verbal confession. My love for my husband is untouched and untainted, but dream life can rearrange your thoughts sometimes and make you wake up from a daydream.

It's all a sacrifice for the greater good. It's also not just about me and my husband's physical distance it is my friends and family too. I do not get to see or talk with anyone enough. I feel distant and estranged very often. You might think writing a letter, e-mail, or making a phone call could solve these issues, but it doesn't. Honestly, all forms outside of being physically with someone are just tortured times. Talking on the phone only makes me want to be around people more.

Writing it down helps, but maybe more studio time would be good too. There is an undeniable truth to dreaming, at least in my life, and I know I need to pay attention to theses signs. Is it time to get away? Should I paint another wall/mural? Should I bribe or threaten people to visit? No, it will all play out as it is supposed to. Unfortunately, I feel ill prepared this time.