I have been grieving slowly and in my own way. Tonight I've been pushed to the limit. Everyday day for the last fucking two weeks I have had the unfortunate experience of going through people's emotions instead of facing and dealing with my own. Only one person has been honest and seems to understand the art of communication and I thank her for that. There is however and unfortunate number of people that can not just keep peace by keeping quiet. Maybe I haven't come forward with what I need during my time of need, but I haven't known until now. Originally I was upset at the limited amount of people that actually had the nerve to check up on me, but now I just want everyone to leave me alone until I come to them. This is a very powerful thing/statement, and I understand that, but if all I am doing by ignoring you or putting you off is hurting your feelings then I'd like to deal with that later down the line if it's okay with you. How can anyone be so self involved as to come at someone during the worst emotional time in there life and judge or beg for a certain level of attention. I can't believe that Facebook, twitter, cell phones, and text messages aren't enough for people, what other form of confirmation that people care, or "care", do you need. Let people in suffering rest up. Let them breathe. Don't hold expectations of when you "think" they should heal. I personally don't need to hear anymore stories alike, I don't need words of wisdom, I don't need anyone in my face about my feelings or theirs.
I am angry. It's official, I can't see certain people now. I have reached a limit of calm and content. I have no more warnings to give or favors to ask. I am on the rough road of finding peace, happiness, or any combination of those things that might allow me to live on a some what normal level.
God forbid that anyone, or any of you, loose someone. There's been death and loss forever, but each person struggles or deals with it in their own way. I've been blessed with some fortunate conversations, but I ask for no more. I feel like I'm choking on pudding or drowning in a see of words.
I had a friend that mentioned once that they were sick of people feeding off of their tragedy and at the time I didn't get it. Now I feel like I understand it fully. Every time you make this about you or someone else you take away dignity from yourself and the unfortunate situation.
I'll be in the bar in two weeks with whiskey in hand if anyone dares to discuss anything further on the matter.
Dearest Readers....this is my loss to suffer, please let me do it in my own space and time.
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