Greater Things

Dearest Tyler,

One of my closest and dearest friends, you will always find genuine and insane love. You will never go hungry for affection or a companion. You have become strong and willful in your later years, but deep down I know true love, for you, is certainly right around the corner, when you are ready.

We have our own tangled story, but I think about your future with excitement and the things you will accomplish or the people you will allow into your life. Someday I want to sit down over a cup of coffee with your true love and just smile.

I was just walking around my house today and started to think about you and your ability to find amazing, beautiful, talented people. You keep all of these extraordinary people nearby while others ponder in wonderment. You are a pretty lucky dude, but I'm pretty sure luck doesn't have much to do with it.

You have a unique soul that gathers people like a magnet. Thank you for continuing this friendship and I adore what I've fought to keep, and thanks for putting up with me through the process.

This is just to let you know that I know greater things will keep on coming.

Sense of Loss Lingering

My father was a car salesman in Fort Wayne, IN for years. My Dad may have looked like a stereotype of the "movie-like" car salesman at times, but he was honest and personable. He taught me just enough, what I needed to know, about cars. I have an above average understanding of vehicle mechanics and how sales works, but I have to admit that the buying process is extremely difficult.

The number of showroom floors that I grew up on is huge, but none of that could have prepared me for these emotions. I thought buying a car would just be as simple as buying a car should be. I broke down though, two nights ago. I was on the phone speaking with my husband about options and how frustrating this process has been. I felt cornered and then it finally happened, I snapped, I can barely continue the process of shopping without tears welling up in my eyes. The realization slapped me with sorrow, my Dad is supposed to be here to help me with this.

I know it's silly to most people reading this, but cars were a HUGE part of my Dad's life and I never had to worry that I was getting a solid vehicle to drive around because he always held my hand through the experience. I have had friends who have taken over a year to buy a car they really wanted, and now I know why, because doing this on your own SUCKS. Adding to the moment of my epiphany was the overwhelming sensation that he is Stiiiill gone and that it's not okay. Why did it take me almost four weeks to let these emotions out? We all bottle something up, here and there, but it swells and bursts when we do it subconsciously.

Today I made phone calls to more car guys, who all used to work with my Dad, and I had to cut the last conversation short. It's too much to sit and talk with someone about where and when my Dad used to work. I am crying now as I write this. There are just triggers that you are not prepared to face, but you don't have a choice. Something this silly can be paralyzing when combined with grief.

I accept this challenge and I will triumph with happy thoughts of my Dad and what he contributed to the car business, the moral he set in place, and the big middle finger he threw out to anyone who challenged his ethics or morals during his time on the car  lot pavement. So small, so silly, one decision becomes a monumental leap.

Broken into Action

you broke my heart and soul the day you broke his bike and body.

this is an irreparable state. broken hearts can be lived with, but a haunted soul is yet to be decided.

look for signs on the road and scenes yet created. answers in art and desires met.

Bold Daughter Waiting in the Shadows

Forked Tongue and Defined Distance with the Values of a Soldier

Fighting for Moral Ground and Pleasing purely to Please

Watching others Falter and Challenging other's core Meaning

Touching Sensitive Swords and Facing the Obvious

Beyond their Words and Actions towards Mine

Dancing on Thin Ice and Blind Backwards Again

Ready to Roll and Thunder five Feet Ahead

Stung, Stinging

Wrote, Written

Sold, Stolen

Cherished, Lived

War, Over

Edward Beatty

This is the first time I have attempted to speak about my Grandfather, Edward Beatty, since he passed a couple months ago. My Grandpa Ed was a pilot, pianist, writer, and fisherman. I could jump off at many different points about someone so talented, but I would rather touch on what I have seen and personally absorbed.

At the end of my Grandpa Ed's life I know he had two daughters, but somewhere along the line he adopted one too. I can't speak for anyone else, but I know that my Mother, his daughter-in-law, and Grandfather had a special connection that I will never understand in the slightest. In the same unique way as my mother I also had an undefinable relationship with my Grandfather. The relationship between my Mother and Grandfather was that of a father and daughter. My Grandpa Ed and I may not have understood each other's choices through life, and I think we equally disappointed each other at times, but we loved each other deeply.

I remember listening to him play the piano, effortlessly. I remember him taking pride in my interests, they were closely related to his interests, but he still supported them regardless. He had flaws like all of us, but to me he was a great Grandfather.

When I would visit Hamilton Lake in the summer, where my Grandpa Ed lived, he would let me walk up the road to an old barn, where some of his friends lived, and play in the barn with a ton of kittens. Growing up on boats, playing in barns with kittens, fishing, swimming, riding in airplanes, and hearing his laugh are some of the greatest childhood memories a girl could have. The lake was a gathering place too, friends and family would live there or nearby on the weekends. I remember the Fish & Game club too, where we used to do pull tabs, listen to live bands, celebrate the Fourth of July, enjoy traveling circus, themed carnivals, and more piano.

Indiana is about small communities, but my Grandpa was a fixture in each of his. From the world of aviation to the words on printed paper Edward Beatty made his mark in the air above and on the paper we read.

Edward Beatty's work, acknowledgements, awards, and accomplishments don't add up to the value or worth that I have invested into my mind over the last 29 years. The image of my Grandfather will live on through my stories and his. We should all be so lucky.

My head bows to a man, a father, veteran, and patriot citizen of a world that goes by oh so quick.

Untitled Note on the back of an Envelope I found in my Car

If we cut out expectations of others we allow more time for living.

We all make mistakes in this life, some of us leave behind family and community. Sometimes we leave behind our favorite things, like; seeds, motorcycles, writing, memories, photos, and all of this in hopes that it might bring ease or happiness to those we've left behind. 

Death is not our punishment, but a reward after, and hopefully we have lived a well or genuine life.

Today is no different except for a little extra respect for life, love, and true shortness of time.


(written on the back of a DMV envelope in blue sharpie)

Karma

Throughout my adult life I have had endless conversations about Karma. Each conversation seems to segway through a number of topics, for example; does it come full circle? what's the time line? does it happen to people that have bad luck, or does luck have anything to do with it? can you change your karma? what if you do more good than others and it never seems to come back your way? does karma really exist?

Eh...we go through the motions because sometimes it's just too perfect. It's when something major happens and it's not justified through karma that kills me. Also, endlessly putting yourself out there for people, extending yourself more than you should (but it's just who you are and you can't help it), and getting bit in the ass. Karma seems to have gone on vacation during these lower moments in life.

I have had a number of people, lately, that seem to forget how unfortunate they once were, good Karma or not,  and to a certain extent seem to take my friendship, and extended Karma, for granted. I don't need much, but what I never need is rudeness. I wasn't raised in the "South" but manners are still very important to me. In reflection I would like to think that 90% of the time I come with a verbal warning, saving me a little grace with good old Karma. I try to tell people the mood I'm in, especially if it's going to throw them off.

If I lean towards the belief that Karma comes full circle then I tend to breath easier and hope that some force out in the wild midst will take care of my business for me. However, my reality is that I don't have the patience to wait. I am not saying that I take matters into my own hands, but if it doesn't come around quick enough I tend to confront the issue head on.

Lately my Karma hopes have not been dished out. As you could assume I decided to take certain things and conversations into my own hands to see where they would lead. To be honest I have never come to the position I am in now, never, ever. I feel as though my words and good will have fallen short. I don't count my efforts to anything less than what it was, and although I don't feel helpless, I feel frustrated on one hand and almost guilty for caring. This particular time period will pass, but my will to give anymore of my efforts heartfelt or not have pretty much come to an end.

As for the most recent thing, my car crash, I am asked to leave the situation in the hands of the law and rely on them to do their job. For whatever hope in Karma that I have left I really hope that this lady gets hers ten fold. I do not hate her, but I am absolutely angry.

Leave good will and Karma to the men and women who lovingly rely and believe...
... In the meantime I will focus selfishly on my own good will for a while and hold my good fortune for my own.

Dearest Karma,

Lets pick up where we left off at a later date. You have officially worn me out and are too close to wearing out your welcome.

You're Friend,
Ashes Ashed

The Beginning of Something NEW!

2013

2012 ended, but certainly not without a show. Reunions were made and travels conquered. Seasons new again, but old with memory.

Situating slowly into the old ways of Fort Wayne I find new challenges, but better beginnings. Unfortunately the year started with a "Crash", literally. Each month, starting last year, and without a break, seems to grace me (us) with complications. Normally I'm the most optimistic person in any circle, but given the last 11 months or so I find that my challenges continue to bruise and heal slowly, but not without over lapping with new injuries before the old ones truly heal.

Yesterday my Mother and I were hit head on, but everyone walked away alive, and at this point that's all I care about. Slight and normal injuries, but nothing that won't heal with time. I continue to face reminders and seem to be stuck with the thought that I'm just too lucky sometimes.

Luckily there are things to look forward to. I have an amazing show coming up this month, this week actually. I am processing mountains of emotions, experiences, and thoughts with this body of work. I look forward to individual responses. I will dive into great detail about this series very soon. I have other projects and galleries to venture into as well. I look forward to stepping into 2013 with my running shoes on.

There are no resolutions this year, just the actions I choose to take. I hope to travel, love, and listen to all things beautiful and healthy. No more promises, only goals.

Dear 2012,

It was good to a point, but I welcome your sibling 2013 with open arms and a crazy grin on my face. Stay tuned for more and better stories yet to come.

Confused BUT Confident

I am not sure what I've done to feel so punished, or to carry guilt. I honestly have no idea, anymore, as to what I could have possibly done to other people in order for them to feel justified in sending a personal attack. 

Whatever I have done has resulted in more family feuds and drama. I don't enjoy sharing family moments or information publicly, but I'm hoping that in this case it may help someone else along the way. 

In March of this year my father was hit while riding his motorcycle. He was getting dinner for my mother and the girl who hit him may have been using a cell phone when she accidentally pulled out to turn and hit him straight on. Having someone taken from you so suddenly, with no last words, and under such conditions, comes with it's own set of unanswered questions, doubt, and grief. I have had no expectations from anyone about how to handle the tragedy on it's own, with me, or all together. However, as I've addressed in past blogs, I did distance myself from people. As a result of my depression from the loss and my severe retreat into my own little world I've had unpleasant experiences from people that continue to attempt making my tragedy all about them. 

Unfortunately, my grandfather, my dad's dad, passed away last month. These are two major losses in my family. I personally still have not found the strength, words, or reality to express my thoughts pertaining to the loss of my grandfather. However, although I've gotten the illusion of people understanding that loss I've still gotten a severe backlash. 

My husband's birthday is on Halloween... I know it sounds cool, but he gets overlooked on his special day because of it sometimes. So this year I went out and tried to get as many people to send him a Happy Birthday while he was on the road working, nice thought right? I was upset to find out that on a day that should have been pleasant and happy for him was tainted by other people's need to be in the spotlight at our expense and negatively.

I've lived my life on many different and changing terms through the years. Sometimes we change just to get by and sometimes we change for the absolute best. No matter what I've changed about myself through the years I've always been honest, straight forward, respectful, and sometimes too respectful. I'm starting to think that kindness really doesn't get you anywhere. You do the best you can in this world and when people take advantage of that kindness multiple times you just have to cut out the negativity. 

Wrapping this up there is a reason to my ramblings. We certainly can not please everyone, but the events I wrote about above are sensitive, new, and were private until now. I am addressing these events in the direction of selfishness and the lack of patience I now have for anyone doesn't think before they act. When you turn someone else's tragedy or happiness into a guilt trip or form of manipulation you might want to consider the long term damage you are doing. I am begging and pleading with everyone out there to start communicating and not holding back. If you are a passive aggressive person STOP. People are much more resilient and strong than you give them credit for and if they aren't then maybe you don't need them in your lives. Death and Birth are days and moments only the people experiencing the event have the right to ultimately act on, everyone else should try to support the situation or stay away until they can. 

Back to the guilt and punishment, I've had personal attacks linking to all of the things I've mentioned. I've found more than not that friends, not blood relatives, tend to be more supportive in your time of need. (there are exceptions) I have no guilt, and I have nothing to feel punishment for. I will not hold my tongue anymore and I will not have my personal character attacked by anyone. No matter what you should always believe in defending the one thing you DO have control over, and that's how you want people to perceive you or what you want them to walk away with at the end of the day.