Concepts

The Avett Brothers - Shame

Struck a Cord

Morning to Night Through Eyes and Heart

I have a lover who comes and goes. He comes into our house and wonders around for a day to get his bearings. Once he gets the updates and understands how the house is running he usually stays for a stint. After getting his first day's dose of a home cooked meal and computer fun overload he smiles. It takes the entire first day, but eventually he lets go and smiles.

Some people wait their entire life for a time when they can speak in poetics. Usually in books and movies it's after the main character has traveled through a larger chunk of their life going through trials and tribulations. Only after failing at the most important task at a crucial point in the character's life do you see all the moments peel back into a moment or series of moments in complete clarity.

I live in what some people would call a "suburban" surrounding. The surroundings dissipate when he comes home, and when he's gone it's just a series of houses outside the window staring back at me. He leaves because he carries the burden of many responsibilities on his shoulders and he is completely aware. Right now he knows he's the bread winner and dreams of a day that I can stand on my own again, financially, to provide for not the both of us but for a greater dream we share.

There's a feeling of hope that emanates from everything of his that surrounds me in this house. This is a temporary shell to hold our 'things'. We live here in harmony until the next move or challenge. He has bad luck and sometimes only I know the remedy, and I hold that power on reserve. There are many flaws in this man who leaves me often, but for the greater good, and I undoubtedly love him.

So the next time you come home to the person in your life or next time that someone comes back into yours try to remember how precious the time is. Try to remember the little things. Try to remember where they come from, what they've been through in their day, week, month, and if they don't open up ask them how they are. Nurture is a strong word, but a powerful action and sometimes we forget to use it. Try to stay within a poetic realm so that you can always say and do what you need to. Let things flow and let them know.

Subconscious Slumber and Pale Mood

I am waiting for the fall.

I am waiting for it all to come down on me.

The heavy drops & unpleasant cold air.

I need the weather to suite my mood.

I need it as much as I wear this diamond ring.

I am patient and full of pain.

I am worried and full of fear.

Wash it all away with the water.

Open up the clouds for a shower that might cleanse me.

File away these emotions once more.

Let tranquility set it, numbness once more, for my sanity.

I am waiting for it to fall.

I am waiting for it all to come down on me.

Odd Movies, Crazy Concepts

Currently I am sitting in front of my television watching Jane Eyre, a terrible mini-series of 18Th century turmoil and misconceptions. This is not the popular version of 2006, but the 1983 version that is fuzzy on the TV and full of terrible camera angles. For some reason I'm still watching and if I know myself well I will be watching the rest of the episodes without hesitation.

Then there is another film that I tried to watch but only got about 15 minutes into, 'Time Bandits', a complete let down. I admit that I had assumptions about this film and that the imagery might be worth the torture, but not so much. I will say that the film's special effects were not sub-par but if you decide to check out the film do not get your hopes up.

Recently I finally had the privilege of watching 'The Road'. I read the book over a year ago. It's not a long book but it took me over three months to read. Post apocalyptic is the setting of the book and movie, but the underlining symbolism, metaphors, and character are still confusing, maybe even lost. There is a lot to read into. There are underlining themes of religion and yet even more going against it. Reading into things is easier for me than my husband and this film could not have aggravated him more. I remember a similar feeling at the ending of the book, an open ended ending, and still in the movie it leaves you unanswered in thought. Not a bad film by any means, but I still recommend reading the book first.

Last, but not least, is the documentary I've also recently watched, Cocaine Cowboys. You will learn a lot from this documentary and it's almost overly informative direction. Starting in the late 1970s and into the early 90s it explores a decade of corruption, fierce social debauchery, and the insecurities of a society running free. Setting in Miami during those years and exposing the links from city to city during the explosion of cocaine use in the U.S. it tells us about Miami's major roll during that period of time. From New York mobsters to Colombian drug Lords the documentary explores an explosion of money linked to some of the most major drug operations ever pulled off in the U.S.

Enjoy the links and please don't judge me by my strange choices in films and such. I have pretty horrible taste in movies from time to time, but never the less exploring any medium will wake up your senses and maybe even help your creative juices flow.

For COWBOY...

This is your fucking nightmare

This rope that hangs from my neck

I strung it up myself and gently close my eyes

There you are
BELOW me.

My hands do not sweat

My mouth not dry

My nerves completely calm

There you are
BELOW me.

I am a man

A man who has triumphed

An individual with nothing to loose

There you are
BELOW me.

No unexpected tears or scheduled screams

No thoughtful act

Clear of mind

There you are
BELOW me.

You want this

I want this

This is the moment

There you are
BELOW me.

It's all felt in one quick drop

Never forget the gut drop

No dummy here

There you are
BELOW me.

Foot Forward

Momentum Met

Rope Tight

There you are
BELOW me.

Look close

My eyes are open

As you look up

There you are
BELOW me.

Snake in the Grass

S.
S.
S.

On you...

S.
S.
S.

For you...

Tickle,
Tickle,

S S S S S S S S ....

FOR YOU...

s.s.s.s.s.

Tender for you...

S. S. s. S. s. sssssssssssssssssss

Crying...

S.

All for you...

S. S.

S. S.
S. S. S.

DRY LANDSCAPE

The desert sun beats down through the car windshield melting my pores and freezing the air like a burning brick wall. The dusty wind blows across the flat land and rolling highway just as a long white paper, like a bandage from the bruised earth, dances in the wind between the cars.

Feet dripping wet inside my boots and air conditioning making it just tolerable enough to continue moving. From the beast of a furnace mouth rises another chapter in the day. Forcing each inch in this minute-to-minute world forward for a bit of progress until the temperature’s digits start to fall.

Setting sun with all its momentum propels the rainbow into effect setting the scenery into something majestic and unforgettable. The colors today are purple, pink, orange, and just a pinch of blue almost as if the rainbow chose the colors her self. Somehow the sky knows just what colors the human race needs to set the mood and setting for the perfect ending to a day.

No dagger or dragon tongued warrior could escape this poisonous night that falls on each person in a totality, a moment of utopia, that frames out a day. No beginning or end will ever be like this one. Your pores slowly shed the wax it was dripping while the fire was high in the sky and they open up to a gradual cooling so that you may endure an evening of rest.

Crazy we are, the ones who live here. It’s madness, insensible, unreal, and rebellious to walk the cracked ground with no water to run to. East coast deserters, lost souls to some, here we stand, finding our Wild Wild West ways in an attempt to tame the untamable one last time.

Holding the heat in our hands, the natives to the transplants endure the raging abyss of sand, wind, heat, creatures, and salt together and with a smile. Parked car, conclusive thoughts, the sun officially sets behind the silhouettes of jagged prehistoric rocks, mountains of history, simplifying the image of a place so vast, unstructured, and sometimes forgotten. Here’s to the sun for never forgetting.

JOIN US THIS SATURDAY!!!!!

Expectations

Through the years I have had many friends. As most people experience in a lifetime some friends come and go, some are there every step of the way, and some you may not talk to for years but as soon as you get on the phone you pick up right where you left off.

I always held my friends to the highest. I put most of the friends I admired onto pedestals. When I was in my sophomore year of college I lost my "best friend". Although she did not die, she tore down a structure that had been standing so long between us that I had no idea what would be on the other side.

It has been years now since I broke off my first friendship. With time I have embarrassed a level of jaded understanding that has now allowed me to fully understand what kind of expectations are realistic. Although the definition of a friend seems to be well understood throughout most people I think that I was at fault for most of my friendships ending. I have a tendency to see people for what they are truly worth, what they have the capabilities to achieve, and what talents could hurdle them into the future. When you stand by and watch someone you care about make mistakes it is hard to understand and sometimes even harder to accept. That pedestal you put your friend on has a crack in it now and you feel betrayed that it might crumble from beneath them.

As years pass by I have discovered that sometimes the best thing to happen to a person is total dismantlement. To have all illusions destroyed and sometimes their environment too. I think I'll call it "The Human Condition of Natural Disasters". After you stand by and watch people hit an all time low yet slowly rebuild and even bigger and better castle there's a new understanding of expectations.

I am fortunate to have many solid, understanding, talented, and caring friends in my life. The definitions have changed, the meaning is different, and the outcome of those friendships is spectacular compared to my adolescent, premature, ideals that surrounded friendships before. My childhood friends who I still communicate with are omitted from that statement.

Unfortunately I am not sure how clear I'm being with these thoughts. What I would really like to touch on is the personal acknowledgement about expecting too much out of people. Setting your personal standards, for yourself, as high as you wish is your business, but you need to make sure that you do not project those values onto other people. It is too overwhelming to invest so much energy into a group of people to simply have the outcome exactly what you feared most. Instead, I am not saying you shouldn't support or be there for your friend, you need to give up that right, or entitlement, to voice or act on how you feel because in the end it will not be your decision, life, choice, or action.

Supporting your friends is simple. You should be there for them when they call or really need you. There is no pressure between the people that "choose" to hang out with you. I love the saying "You can't choose your family, but you can choose your friends".

My husband has been a new guide into trust, trust with strangers, new people, new possible friends, and he has taught me that it's okay to be picky. Sometimes I trust people too much, so much in the past that it's gotten me into dangerous situations. We all learn from things ending and beginning. Hard times with people make us stronger, it will be the social experience that continues to mold us. Too many of us take for granted the simple things that we can do for each other. Sometimes it is as simple as a phone call instead of a text. It is nice to know what your friends think about you, but not EVERYONE is your friend. Put up a wall for a while and the ones who are meant to get through will. I sound jaded, but I think if you truly live your life to the fullest you are meant to be a bit jaded, in a way it's wisdom. Choose carefully, on all counts.

Expect nothing and you will most likely get all that you will need. Last but not least do not forget about your good friend karma. Karma is instant and just when you think you've got it beat she'll sneak up on you like a cobra and swallow you whole. Be true, be you and you're friends will do the same.

Cheers!