Porch Reunion

These last warm autumn days and these perfectly cooled nights are appropriately celebrated on a front porch and with a cold beer. Best friends side by side and silence greets my conscience with calm, renewed, understanding.

It's been approximately nine years since we last sat on this porch and enjoyed the same feeling. Not a word is uttered, but our hearts slow to a beat that fits the "new experience". This front porch has now become a poetic justice and something witness to a full circle event.

Years ago we used to make fun of computers, technological gadgets, and cell phones. Today we, my best friend and I, sit here using our laptops side by side and are listing to music pouring out of my cell phone. It hasn't even been a full ten years and the things around us seem so foreign, but our laughter and sense of humor has not changed a bit.

We fought for this friendship, on this porch. We kissed once, on this porch. We cried, on this porch. We got drunk and danced, on this porch. We watched parents and siblings grow older, on this porch. We watched the paint chip and the wood bend, on this porch. We saw neighbors scream, weather change, and lights flicker on this porch.

People wait their whole life to understand their memories and we are sitting here building on top of ours. With wisdom from travel, time, mistakes, and heartbreak we are building a new porch.

This is our porch. We invite you to sit and stay a while.

A place to sit

For the first time in my life I feel like I don't need to live anywhere in particular to find a place to sit. Finding a place to sit, in this context, simply means a place where I can think a little clearer. I am out exploring all the new places in my home town that my generation has created and I'm finding an overall creative thread. With creativity, for me, comes comfort.

Currently I am sitting inside the Friendly Fox, in Fort Wayne, IN just off of South Wayne Avenue. The coffee is sub par, but I'm a brat in that arena. The music this mid-morning is actually really good. It's raining heavily and there isn't a more accurate state of gloom on earth like the sky overhead. It's a great day for different food and a great rainy day view.

Here I have found it, the want to write again. To simply let these thoughts fly, and to let them fly without caution or care.

Moving home has been a relentless roller coaster of emotional situations. One run in after another with old friends, older friend's siblings, and people/situations that I'm just completely unprepared for. I should be focusing on the now, the emotions I need to battle, but I am focused and targeted to things that squander away my useful energy. Although I have been sort of nudged off my initial path I have been extremely productive.

For the first time in years I am surrounded by people that really care and go out of their way on a daily basis to help out everyone around them when ever they can. It's the multitude of people, all at once, that really overwhelm me. My husband has NEVER experienced community on this scale and was completely taken back by all of this as well. Since I grew up here I can imagine that it still exists and I can hope to find it somewhere else, but I've really only found this level of camaraderie in Denmark, but I was there for such short period of time that I might be subject to people disagreeing all together. I hope that my husband can find a place to sit someday too.

We all need a place to sit, think, create, or just digest. This is the type of place that may not be perfect, but I'll find another. The Friendly Fox is just around the corner and if my coffee machine is broken I won't hesitate to take a walk to this corner nook.

Between death and life there might be a coffee shop where we can all contemplate the next step, bolt of energy, or just watch from an afterlife laptop what our families in this world are doing.

Hard Work is the best kind of Abuse

It's been a while since I have had the chance/opportunity to get my hands dirty. Not only did I get to break a sweat today, but I was given the opportunity to learn a new skill. It may be small to some people, but I love learning how to fix things within homes so that when I need that skill I can use it properly. I was taught how to make plaster, really easy, and then patch holes, also really easy. It really wasn't the difficulty of the skills, but doing it correctly. I then got to sand with a compression sander. I know there's a better term for this, but I can't remember what my husband said.

When I go through rough times I tend to look for physical pain to confirm certain feelings. This is all very subconscious and never harmful. I have found a trend in tattoos, piercings, physical labor, and high compact sports when I process pain, stress, depression, or anger. This time I've gone through the tattoo & labor stage.

I have a house full of projects to complete and I plan on playing soccer as soon as possible. These things are my personal form of mental process and a major aspect of my own survival.

My grandfather, my Dad's father, passed away last Sunday. I have a peaceful outlook on all of it, but him passing so shortly after my Dad passed away is tough. We all have a long journey when this kind of chapter takes place in life, but I know I am fortunate to understand my own person well enough to take charge of my needs in order to get through it all in a healthy way.

To each their own path and to each person their own process.

Art Community Courtesy

I think I've lost my art community courtesy and overall awareness. I remember the days when there was a genuine exchange between myself and any other artist I connected with. However, lately it's been brought to my awareness that I've possibly been, not rude, but neglecting my courteous exchange. I do not look at this act as an obligation instead it's a true pleasure. I am so sorry to those I have not been able to continue communication with or the overall exchange of my thoughts and reactions in the world of art. I will get to the focus point soon of being able to stay grounded, but in touch too. Love all my artists and their love they've given! xoxoxoxo

Glance to Glance CHANCE

Just found this piece of writing that I wrote sometime between 2008 & 2009....

Bloody Crusted Lips
Scab Scratched Face
Blue Eyed Boy
Glance to Glance
     CHANCE

Train Romance "the original"
Scull buckle and all
One Such as Would
        FALL

Starring back
Bukowski at my feet
Camera on my mind
Your kiss Would be a treat

Luck is no matter here
My Decision
True Love awaits
You and With
No Collision

Poking, prawding, and pushing me into the Anger Stage

I have been grieving slowly and in my own way. Tonight I've been pushed to the limit. Everyday day for the last fucking two weeks I have had the unfortunate experience of going through people's emotions instead of facing and dealing with my own. Only one person has been honest and seems to understand the art of communication and I thank her for that. There is however and unfortunate number of people that can not just keep peace by keeping quiet. Maybe I haven't come forward with what I need during my time of need, but I haven't known until now. Originally I was upset at the limited amount of people that actually had the nerve to check up on me, but now I just want everyone to leave me alone until I come to them. This is a very powerful thing/statement, and I understand that, but if all I am doing by ignoring you or putting you off is hurting your feelings then I'd like to deal with that later down the line if it's okay with you. How can anyone be so self involved as to come at someone during the worst emotional time in there life and judge or beg for a certain level of attention. I can't believe that Facebook, twitter, cell phones, and text messages aren't enough for people, what other form of confirmation that people care, or "care", do you need. Let people in suffering rest up. Let them breathe. Don't hold expectations of when you "think" they should heal. I personally don't need to hear anymore stories alike, I don't need words of wisdom, I don't need anyone in my face about my feelings or theirs.

I am angry. It's official, I can't see certain people now. I have reached a limit of calm and content. I have no more warnings to give or favors to ask. I am on the rough road of finding peace, happiness, or any combination of those things that might allow me to live on a some what normal level.

God forbid that anyone, or any of you, loose someone. There's been death and loss forever, but each person struggles or deals with it in their own way. I've been blessed with some fortunate conversations, but I ask for no more. I feel like I'm choking on pudding or drowning in a see of words.

I had a friend that mentioned once that they were sick of people feeding off of their tragedy and at the time I didn't get it. Now I feel like I understand it fully. Every time you make this about you or someone else you take away dignity from yourself and the unfortunate situation.

I'll be in the bar in two weeks with whiskey in hand if anyone dares to discuss anything further on the matter.

Dearest Readers....this is my loss to suffer, please let me do it in my own space and time.

The Coffee Kid

They call me "The Coffee Kid". I wake up with a grumpy grin, or a satin stare. You don't want to try to talk at me until my second cup. I'll be your best friend if you just give me my wake up tradition. After the second cup my thoughts start to warm up...

... i took the best of them both and made a body & soul dedicated to the idea...

...where's my best friend today...

... this day is going to be good, but I have a lot of packing to do ...

... and everything keeps moving forward.

He Asked a Question

A friend asked me yesterday...."What do you want"?

- I want my Dad back. Silly, maybe childish, but it's what I want.

The Devil's right hand Witch and the Fool

Dearest Witch and Fool,

I just want to tell you the truth.
The chance to put you into perspective with everyone's loop.
There may never be a "right time",
I will never tell you while on your dime.

A lack of fullfillment,
A lack of faith,
not of the religous kind.

Someday I hope,
on your own,
you will find tangable things, wealth, and perfection don't fit in a grave.

This I promise you;
friendship
hardwork,
and charity will in time save.

Your efforts will conceal,
all the things you deal.

With a full hand and tilt in the air,
tempting fate I would not dare.

Karma and kindness go hand in hand.

I'm guessing most of your life will not go as planned.

Give up control,
enjoy a little on the roll.

Here's an outside perspective that I hope one day you might understand:

LIVE AND LET LIVE.

A Night to Live Again

Tattoo and Music Junkies UNITED

Join us for a Scary frightful Night

Peirce your hearts with speakers Delight

Give the middle finger until it feels just Right

Let the sweat pour Out

Let the screams take Route

It's a night of Sin

It's a night to live Again