Also...
All of my conflicting thoughts and aggravated emotions need to LEAVE ME ALONE! I wonder when things will be simplified again. I'm not frustrated I'm just pretty pissed off at my over active mind. I have plenty of outlets to distribute these emotions, but lucky readers you get the blogged version! Enjoy!
P.S. I LOVE YOU.
Sunday, February 17, 2013
Greater Things
Dearest Tyler,
One of my closest and dearest friends, you will always find genuine and insane love. You will never go hungry for affection or a companion. You have become strong and willful in your later years, but deep down I know true love, for you, is certainly right around the corner, when you are ready.
We have our own tangled story, but I think about your future with excitement and the things you will accomplish or the people you will allow into your life. Someday I want to sit down over a cup of coffee with your true love and just smile.
I was just walking around my house today and started to think about you and your ability to find amazing, beautiful, talented people. You keep all of these extraordinary people nearby while others ponder in wonderment. You are a pretty lucky dude, but I'm pretty sure luck doesn't have much to do with it.
You have a unique soul that gathers people like a magnet. Thank you for continuing this friendship and I adore what I've fought to keep, and thanks for putting up with me through the process.
This is just to let you know that I know greater things will keep on coming.
One of my closest and dearest friends, you will always find genuine and insane love. You will never go hungry for affection or a companion. You have become strong and willful in your later years, but deep down I know true love, for you, is certainly right around the corner, when you are ready.
We have our own tangled story, but I think about your future with excitement and the things you will accomplish or the people you will allow into your life. Someday I want to sit down over a cup of coffee with your true love and just smile.
I was just walking around my house today and started to think about you and your ability to find amazing, beautiful, talented people. You keep all of these extraordinary people nearby while others ponder in wonderment. You are a pretty lucky dude, but I'm pretty sure luck doesn't have much to do with it.
You have a unique soul that gathers people like a magnet. Thank you for continuing this friendship and I adore what I've fought to keep, and thanks for putting up with me through the process.
This is just to let you know that I know greater things will keep on coming.
Monday, February 4, 2013
Sense of Loss Lingering
My father was a car salesman in Fort Wayne, IN for years. My Dad may have looked like a stereotype of the "movie-like" car salesman at times, but he was honest and personable. He taught me just enough, what I needed to know, about cars. I have an above average understanding of vehicle mechanics and how sales works, but I have to admit that the buying process is extremely difficult.
The number of showroom floors that I grew up on is huge, but none of that could have prepared me for these emotions. I thought buying a car would just be as simple as buying a car should be. I broke down though, two nights ago. I was on the phone speaking with my husband about options and how frustrating this process has been. I felt cornered and then it finally happened, I snapped, I can barely continue the process of shopping without tears welling up in my eyes. The realization slapped me with sorrow, my Dad is supposed to be here to help me with this.
I know it's silly to most people reading this, but cars were a HUGE part of my Dad's life and I never had to worry that I was getting a solid vehicle to drive around because he always held my hand through the experience. I have had friends who have taken over a year to buy a car they really wanted, and now I know why, because doing this on your own SUCKS. Adding to the moment of my epiphany was the overwhelming sensation that he is Stiiiill gone and that it's not okay. Why did it take me almost four weeks to let these emotions out? We all bottle something up, here and there, but it swells and bursts when we do it subconsciously.
Today I made phone calls to more car guys, who all used to work with my Dad, and I had to cut the last conversation short. It's too much to sit and talk with someone about where and when my Dad used to work. I am crying now as I write this. There are just triggers that you are not prepared to face, but you don't have a choice. Something this silly can be paralyzing when combined with grief.
I accept this challenge and I will triumph with happy thoughts of my Dad and what he contributed to the car business, the moral he set in place, and the big middle finger he threw out to anyone who challenged his ethics or morals during his time on the car lot pavement. So small, so silly, one decision becomes a monumental leap.
The number of showroom floors that I grew up on is huge, but none of that could have prepared me for these emotions. I thought buying a car would just be as simple as buying a car should be. I broke down though, two nights ago. I was on the phone speaking with my husband about options and how frustrating this process has been. I felt cornered and then it finally happened, I snapped, I can barely continue the process of shopping without tears welling up in my eyes. The realization slapped me with sorrow, my Dad is supposed to be here to help me with this.
I know it's silly to most people reading this, but cars were a HUGE part of my Dad's life and I never had to worry that I was getting a solid vehicle to drive around because he always held my hand through the experience. I have had friends who have taken over a year to buy a car they really wanted, and now I know why, because doing this on your own SUCKS. Adding to the moment of my epiphany was the overwhelming sensation that he is Stiiiill gone and that it's not okay. Why did it take me almost four weeks to let these emotions out? We all bottle something up, here and there, but it swells and bursts when we do it subconsciously.
Today I made phone calls to more car guys, who all used to work with my Dad, and I had to cut the last conversation short. It's too much to sit and talk with someone about where and when my Dad used to work. I am crying now as I write this. There are just triggers that you are not prepared to face, but you don't have a choice. Something this silly can be paralyzing when combined with grief.
I accept this challenge and I will triumph with happy thoughts of my Dad and what he contributed to the car business, the moral he set in place, and the big middle finger he threw out to anyone who challenged his ethics or morals during his time on the car lot pavement. So small, so silly, one decision becomes a monumental leap.
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